Massage Techniques

I decide to run into work and it goes well, really enjoyable. That is until the last half a kilometre when my calf went and I had to hobble the rest of the way. This is really worrying as this is the first time something has ‘gone’ without being provoked e.g. putting a foot down a pot hole, slipping on something, falling off a kerb... I was just running gently on totally flat ground. What’s worse is that I have squash tonight. I just hope it loosens up during the day.

L offers to help; she says she’s learnt some new massage techniques at the gym... the gym? The mind boggles as to what they get up to in there. Good job I’m the trusting sort. She offers to try them out on my calf tonight. Only on my calf? That’s disappointing but apparently it hurts that much, she guarantees me that my calf will be the only place I’ll want it.

Daughter was supposed to be at the Bloc Party gig last night but I think she went boxing instead, that is judging by the right old bruise on her cheek. She reckons she got trampled underfoot in the mosh several times. Several times? Must have been enjoyable then.

This reminds me of the rules of mosh pit survival that we developed in our student years. Vital tips such as always remove your watch and put it in your pocket unless you like seeing it flying across the floor. Also any neck chains, should someone try and hang you with them and ear rings, a mate of mine once almost lost half his ear. We had no advice for nose piercing as they were rare in those days but I guess the same advice exists, just ask Daughter. Luckily we didn’t have mobile phones to protect, whereas these days I assume you need to update your Facebook status to ‘trampled’ in order to rouse a search party to find you. Another tip is to always wear shoes with laces and double lace them, less you lose one or both of them. Someone is usually good enough to throw them on stage for you. Ideally wear either good stout boots so that no one can crush your toes (failing that at least you can kick them back) or trainers with a good bounce so you can keep on the move and out of the way of trouble. Certainly don’t wear any clothes you value because you’re sure to get them ripped, I’ve had many a rare band t-shirt shredded and for girls nothing skimpy unless of course you’re in there for the grope.

I’ve been trying to jog up and down the stairs at work to loosen my calf, it isn’t working. I get the bus home and try jogging bits of the way from the bus stop. I can only manage short bursts, not good but probably good enough for squash. As I resort to walking, a girl jogs past me, and it really was only a jog, but try as I might I can’t catch up with her again. How embarrassing.

My squash opponent has been on holiday for two weeks and ill for three. Good idea that, go on holiday when you’ll ill. So hopefully he won’t be running around much either. The more ill he is, the better really. I’ll take any means of getting a win.

It goes ok. I hop around the squash court, only miss around half a dozen balls because of the limp and even win a game. Can hardly walk now though.

L is offering red hot Caribbean at home and recommends drinking plenty of fluids first. So I make sure I have a pint after our game. I assume by Caribbean she means food and it’s not the name of her new massage technique. Either way it sounds like it’s going to be quite a night. Then she meets me at the door with a rolling pin and I start having second thoughts.

The rolling pin turns out to be an integral part of the new massage technique, well the only part really. Just what do they teach them in the gym? As ever she does pain so well. Just before I black out, I have a moment of clarity and realise what the plan is. Something to do with getting me begging to take her to see a certain Michael Holbrook Penniman Jnr (otherwise known as M*k* to you and me) by the time she's finished with me.